Belonging in Digital Spaces

Forming meaningful digital connections

Photo by Joshua Sortino on Unsplash

Dear City Person,

I have had times when I fantasized about time traveling to when the internet and smartphones didn’t exist in the hopes that I would be more present and enjoy a slower pace of life. But I have had other times when I felt grateful for living in a day and age where I can have a live video call with multiple friends and family members living thousands of miles away from me or at least hear their voice in a voice note with no expectation that I respond right away.

One of the things that I lamented about moving back to Dubai is the limited intellectual events I find here compared to what I used to find in my Boston years. I have thus been grateful for having access to online communities where I can scratch some of that itch. I also appreciate how certain apps help me find in-person events that I would not have otherwise known about especially while moving countries, such as Meetup.com, Facebook Groups/Events, Internations, and Eventbrite.

Many of my psychotherapy clients told me how they felt less alone reading about others sharing their lived experiences with trauma, mental distress, and physical disability on Reddit or on Facebook Groups as they have difficulty accessing this in their in-person connections. Some also found language and tools that were useful to them in navigating their experiences such as how a client who joined lupus Facebook groups learned about “spoon theory” .

I am not sure how I would have mentally survived moving countries and the COVID shutdowns without access to digital connections. At the same time, there is a lot about social media that I don’t like which had me think about the sorts of digital interactions I find meaningful that I want to prioritize versus those that are draining to me. I will share the things that I don’t like about social media, what kept me on them for a long time, and what steps I have taken to center more meaningful digital interactions. I will further share some further reading on this topic for your reference.

Some house keeping before I continue…

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Below are the things that I don’t like about social media that has had me gradually start to wean myself off of some of the platforms:

1) How algorithms filter information and reinforce divisions between groups of people.

It seems people are talking “at” rather than “to” each other and are living in very different “realities” as they cannot even agree on basic facts. While I have known people who try to mix the sorts of accounts they follow because of this, I still notice them getting sucked into echo chambers.

This has me prefer to have dialogues with people on difficult topics in-person or over an audio/video call so we can notice each other’s non-verbal cues that often get missed on text-based platforms. I would only do this if I notice that the person is to some extent receptive about hearing what the other side has to say, even if they don’t change their position, and we can respect each other’s needs for pauses in the dialogue. I am not interested in wasting my emotional labor over bullies.

It can be easy to watch a short Instagram Reel or TikTok video and assume we got what one side says about an issue but this takes away the time and curiosity needed to truly understand and engage with each other even if we don’t agree with each other over fundamental moral issues and facts.

2) How our data gets sold online and opens us to more scams.

I would rather own what I choose to share versus not share instead of hand that to a third party. This had me get my own domain name for my online professional portfolio and a separate domain name for my newsletter as the nature of my work as a counseling psychologist and my love for writing both require some level of online presence.

I have also started to take some of the steps detailed in this article by ACLU on improving our online safety, especially for sensitive information that we rather keep private or limited. Click here to read the article.

3) How social media reinforces immediate gratification and impatience at the appreciating the present moment and at the expense of critical thinking skills.

I find it interesting how blogs used to be popular and the advent of each new social media platform brought shorter forms of content and thus shorter attention spans. I am finding that this has people become increasingly intolerant about nuance, less capable of empathy towards someone different from them, and less patient with slow activities and skills and knowledge that require time to master.

This is why I prefer being in platforms like Substack that are focused on long-form content which encourages me to slow down, even as I acknowledge its shortcomings. I have been limiting scrolling through its “Notes” feed which has a Twitter-like feel that I don’t like and only opening Substack on my desktop once in a while so that I am not as tempted to scroll on my phone.

4) How numbing and time consuming it would be for me to scroll through feeds.

While I would sometimes learn new things or get a good laugh at a funny cat video, it often would not add as much value as other things I could have done with my time, such as calling up a friend I have not talked to in a while or reading a book that I never opened in years.

I recommend reading this Substack article below called “I left Instagram” by

Ashley Neese

where she mentions leaving social media to reclaim what and who she gives her attention to. She further recommends the Digital Wellness Institute for more on maintaining our wellbeing in digital spaces which you can access by clicking here.

I left Instagram

5) While social media has at times helped me stay aware about world events, it would also leave me unconstructively worrying about the state of the world.

While I do believe we should not turn away from the world’s atrocities, I think there is a difference between helplessly ruminating and raging over what is happening to the point of burnout versus channeling these feelings into action even if it is only in our one-to-one relationships and individual choices in what we consume. These may seem like tiny drops in a vast universe that requires systemic change for anything to shift, but they matter in these individual instances.

For instance, while I as an individual cannot stop deforestation, do I really need to buy a new physical copy of a book if I can find it in a local public library (highly recommend browsing World Cat for this) or borrow it from a friend or get a digital copy or audiobook version of it?

Or, as another example, I may not be able to individually stop a genocide but can I check up on friends and colleagues who are impacted by what is happening? Can I offer to support them on chores/tasks to help make their day to day a little bit more bearable while they navigate this collective trauma? Can I boycott or limit buying from companies that are complicit if alternatives that are affordable to me exist?

We may assume these mean nothing, but as a psychotherapist who has worked a lot with trauma, including war trauma, I can tell you that one of the most painful things my clients have experienced that worsened their trauma responses is when they see people around them pretend everything is normal after they have experienced grave injustice at a huge scale.

An article titled “The Outrage Economy” by

Joshua P. Hill

mentions about how our collective rage and helplessness on social media drive…

“…clicks, views, and purchases. It’s especially valuable to media owners, executives, and influencers who know that your fury is a priceless commodity for their networks and publications and more. Smaller creators, social media users, and advertisers have also caught on: outrage reliably fuels virality. That’s why your anger isn’t just being mined, it’s being manufactured.”

Click below to read the full article:

The Outrage Economy

6) The ways people compare themselves to each other.

I notice in this comparison, people assume that everyone else has it good when they may be only posting the positive aspects of their lives, especially if they are using it to document memories rather than to share private vulnerable aspects of their lives which they may be reserving to one-to-one conversations.

While as social beings we may not necessarily always be able to let go of all comparison whether online or offline, it is worth asking ourselves:

A) who are we comparing ourselves to?

B) how much do we truly know this person at a deep level?

C) what metrics are we using for what makes life worth living to make this comparison?

D) is the comparison helping us become better people or keeping us stuck in shame/self doubt?

It may also be worth thinking about how you are impacting the person you are comparing yourself to when you place them on a pedestal. In my case, I noticed that people assumed I always had it all together because of my posts so whenever I would open up to someone about something I am struggling with, it would often get minimized which would later discourage me from doing so.

7) While I initially found social media to be helpful in easily sharing photos with friends, I later found that it would have me focus on documenting my experiences rather than “experiencing” my present experiences.

Li Kentgen

mentions this point in her article “Intentionally Disconnecting” which you can read by clicking here.

I have some questions for readers before I continue, feel free to reply to me privately by replying to this email or clicking the button below to comment publicly…

1. How would you describe your current social media usage? What aspects of it do you find helpful versus unsustainable to you?

2. In what ways has social media helped you feel more connected versus disconnected from others?

3. In what ways has social media helped ease your transition to a new neighborhood, city/town, or country?

4. In what ways has social media helped you stay aware about current events versus kept you stuck in echo chambers? What steps do you take if you notice that the latter is happening?

Actions I took in response to the above:

Aside from getting the domain names and following some of the steps in the ACLU article, I recently deleted my professional Instagram and LinkedIn accounts and am in the process of deleting my Facebook once I backup my photos and data. I had deleted my Twitter ages ago as I was barely using it.

I was thinking about deleting my social media accounts many times throughout the years and more so in recent months. I will likely create an anonymous version of a Facebook account using an email alias so that I can use it for events and groups only which can be useful for me to find in-person opportunities for social connection. I will take a similar approach with other apps I need to use if they ask for personal information and I won’t give my real birthday, only the year so I can confirm that I am 18+.

I noticed that the moment I announced deleting my Instagram and Facebook accounts, I had more people reach out to me for one-to-one connections in a way that never happened in 5 to 20 years of being on a given social media platform. I also personally reached out to those I wanted to stay in touch with and most were happy to do so. This reinforced my decision and had me notice all the interesting people whose presence I was missing because of the algorithms.

I have never gained anything from LinkedIn despite having been told about its necessity for finding jobs. Most of the jobs I have secured have been via networking in conferences, via university resources when I was a student, and through people I volunteered with rather than via social media. While the COVID shutdowns initially had me get lots of opportunities for community work via Instagram, this later dwindled after the shutdowns were over.

This article called Your Social Media Followers Miss Almost Everything You Post by

Seth Werkheiser

is one of the many on Substack that inspired me to take these steps. It helped me see how often we are tricked into believing that we need social media in order to have meaningful engagement with our audience. I especially loved these quotes from the article below:

Your social media followers miss almost everything you post

“The Tegan and Sara Instagram has 470,000 followers, and the last nine posts got an average of 3,444 likes, meaning 0.7% of their fans liked any one of those images.

Two of those posts have over 100 comments. That’s 0.213% of their fans that left a comment, and that’s on a good day.

Mind you, Tegan and Sara are a Grammy-nominated indie pop duo who’ve been making music for over 25 years.

I’m not saying don’t be on social media (well, maybe I am); just lower your expectations of actually ever reaching 10% of your followers”

I once ran into a Substack Note I cannot find now where the poster mentioned how getting 20 people to sign up for an event at a small bookshop would have been seen as a success back in the day compared to how getting 20 likes or follows in social media is seen as a failure in engagement.

This had me think of how social media significantly shifted our metrics for success and has us downplay whatever few meaningful relationships we are building with our community. The very process of writing on Substack had me appreciate the one-to-one emails and video calls I would have with readers even though these are not being reflected in my number of likes and comments publicly. This had me reflect on how I would rather focus on quality of relationships I am building, even if with one person, over quantity.

Speaking of calls with readers…

If you would like to have a one-to-one call with me whether to say hello or to talk about any of my writings or to explore possible collaborations, feel free to reply to this email or leave me a private message on Substack.

I highly recommend another article by

Seth Werkheiser

titled “Social Media Loses Power When We Build Community in Other Places.” While addressed to those in the creative industry, the message is still relevant for those of us who take whatever little social capital we do have access to for granted.

Social media loses power when we build community in other places

I admit that I have times when even one-to-one messages with friends are draining. This was more so the case when I moved countries and found that it was easier to prioritize my energy towards what is in front of me. I am still working on this but I am appreciating that with my closest friends we can trust that no matter the time apart it will still feel like we just talked yesterday once we reconnect. I also find voice notes and video notes helpful if it is difficult to get a hold of someone via a spontaneous call.

As an introvert I often don’t prefer the latter but sometimes I find that it ends up being worthwhile with the right people…I have been thinking about ways to be more generous with my time, while still honoring my boundaries, given how many of us are lacking access to meaningful relationships which are essential to living a meaningful life.

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The next biweekly newsletter will discuss The Wildflower Alliance with a specific focus on its peer respite program called Afiya.

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Before I wrap up…

I am ending each of my posts with a randomly drawn conversational card that you can consider using to deepen your conversations with people this week. So here’s today’s card drawn from a deck called Scenario Cards:

What if you had unlimited resources? What sort of home would you built for yourself?

Let me know if you end up using this question in any of your conversations and how it goes!

Click the link here to learn more about Scenario Cards. I currently earn an affiliate fee for every purchase from this link. This is so far the first affiliate partnership I have and I only plan to do so with products I genuinely benefited from. I had previously written a post about conversational cards in general prior to being invited to Scenario Cards’ affiliate program. Click here for the link to the post.

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Hayyakum,

Reema