Overcoming Challenges in Reaching Out
Reflections on Lived Experiences and Other Insights
Dear City Person,
Firstly, I wanted to wish those who celebrate an early Eid Mubarak!
Today’s post will focus on what helps people reach out for support from others when they are feeling their lowest. In my post about storytelling as soul work (that you can read by clicking here), I mentioned that I was collaborating with insightful.ae to collect short anonymous stories about reaching out when one feels their worst to get insights based on lived experiences.
I will be sharing people’s stories below and reflecting on what I took away from them. I will invite you to share your responses to them too. I will later add some additional insights I have gained based on my experience as a counseling psychologist and person who has supported loved ones.
Before starting, I have a question for readers…
I would like to hear what has helped you reach out to others when you felt your lowest. What has often made it challenging and how did you respond to those challenges?
You may share privately by replying to this email or over a private Substack message. Or you may post a public comment by clicking on the button below.
Also some house keeping before I dive in…
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Here are the short stories that we have received when we asked respondents about what has helped them reach out when they were feeling their lowest:
Story 1:
What has helped me reach out to people when I felt my lowest are many things but first thing that comes to my mind is what my dad told me in my first year of university, he said: “do not give in to sickness”, I view it as “do not give in to feeling at your lowest…”. Secondly, what has helped me reach out to people when I feel my lowest is fighting isolation so I don’t surrender to it like many of my loved ones did/do.
Story 2:
Just recently I have been feeling down…mainly talking to friends and family (finished my one month calls minutes in 2 days) to vent out to find solutions or just to feel better. I was also remembering someone who quickly “snaps out of it”, that takes practice. I also told a friend what's the point of being positive and feeling grateful when all is not well in our world. The real challenge is to be grateful for everything in the toughest time and to have real positivity at these times not only when all is good.
Story 3:
To relieve the pressure and to consult on matters I couldn’t resolve after 2-3 weeks of trying by myself.
Story 4:
I am an introvert and I don’t reach out to anyone except my husband because he is my safe and secure place.
Story 5:
At my lowest points I have gone through intense pain and complete isolation but somehow I pulled myself out of it. Reason something deep inside me said you will bounce back, trust in the invisible and unshakable faith for life force given by almighty.
Before I share what stood out me, I would like to hear from readers…
What most caught your attention in the anonymous responses above? What did it have you think about or feel? What are you appreciating most about the stories?
Where do the responses take you in your own memories?
What values do you see the respondents standing up for in the way they dealt with the difficulty reaching out? Values are things we care about in life.
Here are my responses to the above questions I posed to readers:
1) What most caught your attention in the anonymous responses? What did it have you think about or feel? What are you appreciating most about the stories?
I noticed how two of the respondents found it helpful to think of memories of people they know of or care about that helped them reach out even in their lowest.
Story 1 was reminded of their father’s advice and how they saw loved ones give in to isolation which is not an outcome the respondent wants for themselves. Story 2 thought of someone they know of who modeled a response that they themselves found helpful in that moment (practicing “snapping out of it” which I know may not resonate for everyone at all times but I want to acknowledge it was an important resource for this respondent at this time).
This had me think that even if one is physically isolated, it can help to stay connected with the memories of people that we draw strength from to navigate life’s challenges, even if that life challenge involves difficulty reaching out to people. Even when the memory is not a positive one, it could still provide clues as to what outcomes the person does not want in their own life and therefore to prioritize the actions that will align with the alternative outcome they prefer instead (in this case reaching out to not give in to isolation as they have seen happen with loved ones).
I was also drawn to how Story 5 mentioned that spirituality motivated them to reach out in their lowest. They centered the importance of their relationship with spirit—whether that spirit is “something deep inside” or an “unshakable faith” or a “life force given by almighty.”
What this had me think of is that quite often there are people who may not be able to access a positive memory, especially when feeling their worst. So thinking about present-day non-human relationships, whether that is with spirit or with nature, as I talked about in one of my previous posts here, or with pets, as I have seen with some of my psychotherapy clients, could be a helpful resource that could potentially open the possibility of reaching out to others. Sometimes we need to anchor ourselves in a non-human connection before we can feel emotionally ready to connect with a fellow human.
I had not quite put this into words until writing this response to the stories above so I appreciate this gift the stories gave me! Writing this down gives me something concrete I could consider turning to in times when I myself may have difficulty with reaching out.
2) Where do the responses take you in your own memories?
Story 3 reminded me of conversations I had with some of my psychotherapy clients. One of them who experiences severe bouts of feeling low mentioned that it was helpful to tell themselves that they can either choose between how they are feeling right now or the challenge involved in reaching out which is not something they are used to practicing. They decided that the latter, as uncomfortable as it was, was far more worth the risk than staying where they are even if they don’t get the outcome they had hoped for (it turned out to have exceeded their expectations).
3) What values do you see the respondents standing up for?
Connection with loved ones, connection with spirit, practicing “snapping out” when needed, not giving in to the lowest feeling or to isolation itself.
Before I continue, I am curious to hear how you experienced my responses to these stories…
My Reflections on Challenges with Reaching Out:
These short anonymous stories are likely snapshots into the respondents’ experiences. I am aware that there can be lots of factors that impede people’s ability to reach out when they feel their lowest and that they may need other tools beyond what the stories offered.
Examples of barriers to reaching out are:
Uncertainty about trust or judgement. This can be more so the case when we have experienced often being let down others.
Feeling unsure about what sorts of supports one needs to ask for, which can especially be the case if we have not practiced initiating asking for support for a long time if ever. Some may not know that they can even directly ask for a particular kind of support so they may feel resentment if the other person is trying to support them in ways that don’t resonate at the moment. An example of this can be when someone is seeking to only be heard and reassured whereas the other person is offering advice that was not asked for.
Uncertainty about how the other person will react to their request for support even if they do trust them and love them in general
Difficulty accepting “no” as an answer or difficulty hearing any form of boundary-setting on what kind of support the other person can offer if any. Some may perceive “no” or boundaries as rejection. On the other hand, many people are not skilled at how to say no or how to set boundaries in ways that are relational but without sugar coating either.
Feeling too fatigued to reach out due to mental or physical health concerns, running out of social batteries especially if we lean towards introversion or neurodiversity, or overall burnout
Shyness or anxiety about engaging in any social situation
Societal or familial stigma. There are some cultures that stigmatize talking about any emotion or only allow happiness and, in some cases, anger to be expressed. Stigma can limit the words we have available to us to express ourselves and can also limit our ability to fully acknowledge what we are experiencing to ourselves let alone admit that we need to reach out. In the Gulf where I am, I have often seen the taboo against talking about private things to non-family members or to even extended family members. While I respect where this might be coming from, I also acknowledge it can limit options for those who do not have access to emotionally supportive family members.
Accessibility issues. Some people need in-person support and do not experience the same effects over the phone or online whereas for others it makes no difference. Also not everyone in the world lives in a place where they have consistent access to quality phone or online connection or access to reliable sources of transportation or safe neighborhoods.
Coming from a marginalized background while lacking close connections with people who can relate to it.
Working long hours that can limit time and energy to reach out or struggling to prioritize time to do so even when time is there.
Having the following ideas about what it means to reach out which I mentioned in a past post here:
A) “I don’t want to come off as needy/weak.”
B) “I don’t want to be a burden.”
C) “I am not deserving of receiving help.”
D) “I should be able to figure it all out on my own.”
E) “I was always the person helping others and never the person being helped.”
A question for readers before I proceed…
Are there other examples of what can make reaching out difficult that you would like to add to this list?
On the one hand, for those of us who do not experience major accessibility issues, there are things we can individually do to reach out. While some level of alone time can be helpful to get space and thus clarity on a problem, isolating for long can worsen an already low mood though in itself is an impact of worsened mood.
On the other hand, we all need to take collective responsibility to check in with our friends and loved ones time to time. Relationships are a two-way dance and are part of what makes a meaningful life. They are not only about receiving but also about giving when we are able to.
Reaching out to others requires practice and to lean into the initial discomfort it can bring up. Often the ideas we learned about what it means to reach out can have us resist so hard. It is because we have practiced applying these ideas for so long that it will take time to practice a new set of ideas that can help you reach out when you need to. We may never get to a place of 0 discomfort when reaching out but with practice the process can be worthwhile in the long-term.
One does not have to always share everything at once if they are not feeling ready to do so with a particular person in a given time. We can slowly start building our motivation from “small asks” before proceeding to “bigger asks” over time with those we have established trust with. A “small ask” is a request that is not as challenging for us to make whereas a “bigger ask” is more challenging. What is “small” or “big” can be different for each person at different times and with different relationships.
While requesting support, we will need to practice being open to the possibility that the other person may say no and we will need to respect their boundaries and capacity.
Regarding difficulty trusting, here is a quote below that stood out to me from a hybrid conference I had attended this week by Johns Hopkins University and The Coalition to End Loneliness & Social Isolation. I wish I can recall who said it:
“People assume that we need to trust to be vulnerable but it is the opposite: we need to be vulnerable for trust to emerge."
This reminded me of an advice a past mentor gave me: there is no way we can know if we can trust someone without taking some level of risk as painful as it can be. Slowly progressing from “small asks” to “big asks” can be helpful here to assess a person’s trustworthiness to you.
They are many types of support as listed below:
At different times and with different relationships, you may experience requesting some of these as a “big ask” or a “small ask” or a mix. As you look through this list, consider how would you rank from 0 to 10 how easy or challenging it would be for you to ask for each one if and when you ever needed it (0 being effortless and 10 being most challenging). Also consider which of these types of support do you tend to prefer receiving and which of these do you have a tendency of giving to others:
Emotional support: validation, compassion, being listened to, and a sense of not feeling alone. Emotional support does not always have to involve words, sometimes the presence of someone who genuinely cares an be powerful in itself even if you are not directly talking about what is bothering you.
Practical/Instrumental support: support with actionable and logistical things like grocery shopping and scheduling appointments. Another example I have seen especially with ADHD communities is the notion of “body doubling.” It involves having people co-work in silence together so that they get motivated by each other’s presence to get their tasks done. This can be done in-person or virtually and you do not have to be diagnosed with ADHD to benefit from it. Sometimes when we are feeling so low, whether due to depression, burnout, grief, or general life stress, we may struggle to get things done so body doubling could potentially benefit without needing to tell the person what you are emotionally struggling with. An example of a body doubling request is: “I will be studying at this time at the cafe, do you want to join me while you work on your essay?” Click here for an article that explains body doubling in more detail.
Esteem/Appraisal support: support that reminds you of your strengths and assets and a sense that others believe in you.
Informational support: this is the type of support many people rush to but can be helpful in certain contexts. This includes offering information or advice or directing the person to resources like websites and books where they can gain more information.
Check out this article linked here for more information about types of social support. Be sure to have a look at the academic papers it cites. While it is focused on depression, the tips can apply to others needing support.
An invitation for readers before I proceed…
Feel free to share your reflections on the above privately over email or publicly on Substack by clicking on the button below:
Where to Find Social Support
The above types of support don’t have to be limited to friends or family but can also include peer groups and online messaging boards.
In the UAE where I am based, I would recommend checking out MentalHealth.ae (by clicking here) that sometimes hosts in-person meetups. 7Cups.com offers free 24/7 online peer support. Intentional Peer Support also offers online peer support but from a non-medicalized model of mental health (in-person ones are only available in particular countries). They call these gatherings “Co-Reflection” (as process is more about “learning together” rather than “helping”) which you can learn more about by clicking here .
Also check out Meetup.com which is available in many cities around the world including Dubai and has a list of groups that host events based on different interests where you can meet people.
Please note that while these can be supportive, they may not always 100% replace the need for individual psychotherapy for everyone. If after trying all the above and not finding the support you need, consider the possibility of seeing a therapist that is accessible to you. For Dubai-based resources on this, check out Hoopfull by clicking here or regional online apps that offer online therapy such as Takalam, Ayadi , or Labayh . While 7Cups.com is UK-based, they also offer online psychotherapy.
What if I am “too introverted” to reach out?
Even those of us who lean towards introversion, like myself, can benefit from reaching out for and offering support to others. Contrary to popular belief, introversion is not about shyness or being antisocial.
Like all people, we can benefit from social interaction but we flourish more in small or one to one social interactions on conversations we experience as meaningful. We can appreciate shared silences and time to recharge on our own and can enjoy our own company provided we chose this rather than it being imposed on us by circumstance. We may experience certain types or quantities of social interaction as draining. However, we may not always correctly predict how draining a potential social interaction will be which may have us limit ourselves from reaching out when we need social support.
I have found that knowing the sorts of interactions, times, and environments that are more draining versus less draining for me, knowing when it may be worthwhile for me to step outside of my comfort zone, and learning what I can do to recharge after having had a draining interaction have all been helpful for me though I may not always be skilled at approximating this all the time.
One can learn this by writing down the following as soon as you can after a social interaction:
how did you feel physically and emotionally during and after different types of conversations you had?
How much room was there for silence or even small gaps between speaking?
Write down the times of day, environments (online, in-person, groups (big or small), noise levels, weather, etc)
Write down what was your own mental/physical state before the social event
Write down if you have had enough sleep, food, rest, space for fun or relaxation before the social event
notice if you find any patterns after days or weeks of writing down the above. Consider what kinds of self care, boundaries, or supports you would need based on this information you have gathered. Also notice when a social interaction was joyful. Write down what made it different.
An invitation for readers who lean towards introversion before I proceed…
Feel free to share your reflections on the above privately over email or publicly on Substack by clicking on the button below:
Click here for a Johns Hopkins University study on introversion and social interaction. While it seems to mix introversion with social anxiety and shyness, they can co-occur in some people. But the study does reveal other factors that can combine with introversion itself that can have people experience more draining social interactions than others.
Ways to Offer Social Support
Click here to check out the Instagram page of counselor, Oumu Sylla, on tools to give and receive support and on how to assess our capacity and relationally set boundaries in a given time,
I recommend before assuming what kind of support someone needs in a given time, to first make sure that they feel you understood them. It is not enough to assume that you did, you will need to check with them if they felt this way and be open to them correcting you. Here is where a skill like active listening can help which you can learn more about by clicking here.
Once the person felt that you fully understood them, let them know what you can offer them and allow them the choice to accept or reject the offer. I don’t recommend only saying “I am here if you need me” and stopping there. At times a person is too overwhelmed to think about what they need so it helps to give them specific options or at least one specific option based on what you genuinely are able to provide. Do not make a promise you cannot keep.
For example: “I can help with getting the groceries on my way today, would that be ok with you?” Or “I can call you at this time if you need to talk more. Do you want to hear advice from me or do you just want to be heard? If you don’t want to talk about it, we can just watch a movie at your place instead.” Or “Would it be ok if I sent you a book that really helped me with a similar problem?”
Allow people to tell you that none of your attempts are helping without taking it personally. Allow people to not know what they want. If this happens, offer one thing you can do for them directly and be open to the possibility that they later say no even after initially agreeing to it. Allow room for silence without forcefully filling it and be with them in the silence unless they prefer to have space. Even when they ask for space, ask if you can check in with them after a couple of days.
A final question for readers…
What other advice would you offer on how to support others?
The next biweekly newsletter will focus on my social media cleanse and how I have been finding ways to make my digital interactions feel more meaningful.
Before I wrap up…
I am ending each of my posts with a randomly drawn conversational card that you can consider using to deepen your conversations with people this week. So here’s today’s card drawn from a deck called Scenario Cards:
“What if you could have anyone become your mentor or coach? Who would you choose?”
Let me know if you end up using this question in any of your conversations and how it goes!
Click the link here to learn more about Scenario Cards. I currently earn an affiliate fee for every purchase from this link. This is so far the first affiliate partnership I have and I only plan to do so with products I genuinely benefited from. I had previously written a post about conversational cards in general prior to being invited to Scenario Cards’ affiliate program. Click here for the link to the post.
This is an important topic, Reema, and you have explored it through questions, stories, examples, and feedback, along with your own thoughts and shared resources that might be just the right ones for someone.
During my lowest moments, I often turn to Allah, reflecting on my circumstances. This reflection typically leaves me feeling hopeful and optimistic, believing that the challenges I face are temporary and that Allah may be purifying me or preparing something good for me in this life or the Hereafter. I usually keep these thoughts to myself, not wanting to burden my family with sadness. When I need to talk things out, I rely on either my husband or my close friend for support.