Connecting with the "Other"
A reader's story and reflections on conversing with strangers
Dear City Person,
“The other acts as a mirror (…) without which you cannot see your self. “
I am loving this quote which is from a story one of my readers shared with me about his conversations with a stranger in Dubai. This quote especially resonates for me because working as a psychotherapist with people from a diversity of life experiences, ages, and backgrounds continuously helps me come face to face with my own strengths and vulnerabilities in a way nothing else can do to the same extent.
In our day to day lives, it can be easy to get stuck within our intellectual, political, and cultural silos that we forget how to fully see “the other” and thus how to fully “see” ourselves. We all have aspects of ourselves that we may have “othered” and stigmatized, so having an inclusive view of humanity can help us have a more self compassionate view towards ourselves, even the parts we dislike and even the societally rejected parts, which are still part of this larger humanity.
The reader I mentioned earlier shared his story in response to my last newsletter where I reflected on my conversations with strangers in Dubai and Boston. You can read that post by clicking here.
As promised in my last post, I wanted today’s newsletter to feature a story by one of my readers on their experiences with encountering strangers and what they learned from that. I am grateful for this readers’ generosity in sharing his story and insights with us. I especially appreciate his ability to “…take the risk and treat strangers as inherently good” even as he comes from a country that is experiencing civil war. It has me think about what values and qualities one needs to stay close to in order to take that risk in the midst of collective trauma or adversity.
Before I share the story, I have two questions for readers…
What stories, images, thoughts, or feelings come up for you when you read the above quote?
What values and qualities do you believe a person needs to stay close to in order to take a risk in connecting with others in the midst of collective trauma or adversity?
You may respond by either privately replying to this email or posting a public comment on Substack by clicking on the button below
Also some house keeping before I share my reader’s story…
If you are new to my free monthly newsletter, Belonging Co-Lab, check out the About page linked here if you haven’t already and click here to see my previous posts. If you are viewing this from the Substack app and have not already subscribed, you may do so by clicking on the button below:
A Reader’s Story
“I came to Dubai around 5 months ago and used to live in Deira District where I would walk down its streets at late night when the busy city rests a bit. Beside physical exercise, I walked to get familiar with this old part of Dubai and to visit some historic and heritage site there. Moreover, walking always assisted me in releasing negative emotions and making me feel refreshed and relaxed. I had several generally positive encounters with strangers during this daily routine so I will narrate one of them.
One night, a thin short youth, seemingly in his late twenties, stopped me and asked about the nearest metro station after he greeted me. As I offered to guide him to the nearest metro station, he insisted that I only showed him the general direction and remarked that would had been quite enough. I explained to him I had been wandering and roaming about without a clear destination, so I guided him to Salahaldeen Metro station which was around a 10-minutes walk from where we were.
He was very grateful for this gesture from me, though it is a very simple one indeed. As we headed towards our destination, we had a casual conversation from which I learned that he is an Indian national working as a sales associate for some medical company (if my memory serves me right). He was living in Bur Dubai close to the old Grand Souk. We exchanged phone numbers and farewells as he stepped inside the metro station.
I contacted him afterwards to help me find a room in Bur Dubai as I wanted to navigate and explore that part of Dubai after having learnt that many historic sites are located there. He tried his best but we couldn't find an unoccupied room dedicated for a bachelor like myself; the area is very populated and reserved for families seemingly. We stayed in touch for a while though we never met in person again and now unfortunately we are no longer communicating with each other.
The lessons I learnt from such encounters with strangers is that, first and foremost, we need to drop the prejudices we all have about others which tend to glorify our own cultures and races and dehumanizes others. These mostly false pre-judgements are the most single obstacle in my opinion that prevents connection.
We need to also take the risk and treat strangers as inherently good (which is the case quite often in my opinion) until we are proven wrong. Sadly people distrust and discredit strangers. While this attitude would help them be more safe, they would miss valuable opportunities to enrich their life with new experiences, stories, and encounters with human beings.
I believe that through encounters with the other, one comes to realize the flaws of his own culture and nation and then work on to overcome and improve them. The other acts as a mirror in this context without which you cannot see your self.
One more lesson I learnt from such encounters with strangers is that we shouldn't rely entirely on social media platforms without in-person engagements as otherwise relationships tend to loose much of this initial momentum.”
Questions for readers before I wrap up…
What most stood out to you in the above story? What aspects of it speak to you?
How come those parts of the story stood out to you or resonated with you the most?
Feel free to respond by either replying privately to this email or posting a public comment on Substack by clicking on the button below.
In next month’s newsletter, I will be opening 2025 with a reflection on my experience with intergenerational friendships and on articles about that.
An advanced Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all who celebrate!
Before I wrap up…
I am ending each of my posts with a randomly drawn conversational card that you can consider using to deepen your conversations with people this week. So here’s today’s card drawn from a deck called Scenario Cards:
What if you had the power to teleport to one place on a daily basis? Where would you go?
Let me know if you end up using this question in any of your conversations and how it goes!
Click the link here to learn more about Scenario Cards. I currently earn an affiliate fee for every purchase from this link. This is so far the first affiliate partnership I have and I only plan to do so with products I genuinely benefited from. I had previously written a post about conversational cards in general prior to being invited to Scenario Cards’ affiliate program. Click here for the link to the post.
connecting with others has various enablers and obstacles , since the main themes of these newsletters is place , , I will try to show how thought connecting or disconnecting with place could seriously enhance or hinder our openness towards others , to my understanding Place is socially constructed notion , we s human beings produce it through our interaction with physical spatial reality and our constant struggle to make sense of it , different types of places exist , and with each type we attach different attitudes and behaviours , in home we tend to be more relaxed , open , follow the gift economy logic , and we readily and comfortably connect with others , in places we don't count as home we tend to be reserved , follow the exchange economy logic , and more reluctant to enter into meaningful relationships with others , between these tow poles all places could classified , the more we see a specific place as home , the more our attitude in it resembles our attitude in home and vice versa residents in our present time loose the intimacy and connection with places they inhabited , we see them increasingly rely upon online map apps to navigate the cities , to plan their pubic transportation trips , and indeed rarely they can memorize even the street names ; no much effort has been put to get a long with places , to be fair policy makers and urban planers have their fair share of responsibility ; cities become more and more very complex creatures , without navigation app we will not be able to know even the location of road exits , their top down approach that excuse the dwellers from taking part in planning their places and spaces , their concerns only about efficiency ( defined in narrowly commercial terms ) generate designs and plans that not user-friendly I member in my childhood the neighbourhood -we live in - was simple walkable , I mean by walkable in this context that not only all locations are close but also the smoothness , comfort , and safety to navigate ; asphaltic roads lie at the perimeter , there is no need to use a footbridge or a pedestrian crossing , in place like this one could readily to count as an extension to home and start to consider other residents as brothers and sisters , urbanisation works by an opposite logic , I am not sure whether it could be reversed , after all city is a place where compared to other place one needs others more to survive , but ironically he has very limited relationship with them .