Very thought provoking! While I would have to reflect on taking up space as a female as I’ve always worked in male dominated industries and never felt the stigma (that I can quickly recall- I’m sure it’s there!), where I did feel like I was taking up space was as an American living in the UK. I always felt that American mannerisms or loudness were frowned upon. That the only way was the proper English way. I was always on edge wondering WHEN I would misstep next. It certainly created general low level anxiety until the last few years I lived there when I stopped caring and actually relished more in my “cringey” (perceived by the English) behavior and the reaction of the English. 😂
Susan, I'm so sorry (being English!) to hear about your experience over here! We are not all that small-minded I promise! Having spent quite a few happy holidays travelling around the US, any differences between us were a source of great interest, rather than annoyance!
Sorry to hear about your experience of street harassment at such a young age Reema, sadly I agree that this is still a universal occurrence. My daughter aged 14 says she experiences unwanted attention in this way too, and I have experienced it in the past. I don't really go out alone very much these days due to my mobility issues but a few years ago I remember being in a park alone on a sunny day, lying down, relaxing, but being unable to fully relax due to the feeling of always needing to keep an eye on who was around.
I’m trying and I’m aware that there are so many layers to accessibility that I’m still learning about but I believe we all have to start somewhere. I would definitely be open to feedback on blind spots and areas I may need to consider more of
I’m sorry to hear that your daughter experiences this and that you did in the past too. What I wished for growing up is that the adults around me would have taken it more seriously so I’m glad that she has you.
Interestingly, yesterday my mom she read this post and she shared with me her reflection while we were having breakfast. She told me that perhaps in her generation they were quite numb to it because it happened so frequently and was much worse than it is now in the different countries she had lived in. She also told me about the news of a 4-year old girl who was raped in the street in Dubai before I was born which I had no idea about. While we are both glad that such incidents in the streets have significantly lessened in Dubai and it has become one of the safest cities to be out alone, she shared wishing that these things don’t happen as everyone deserves to simply have a space to be and relax wherever they are.
What your reader wrote and what you reported in your newsletter is so incredibly relatable! Whenever I found myself waiting for something or someone and purposely avoided mindlessly scrolling on my phone, I have always felt like my 'not looking busy enough' increased my likelihood to attract weirdos. It's exhausting to be wary of your surroundings and strangers all the time. And I feel like this power difference in how people can inhabit public space (relaxed/careless vs wary/anxious) is not talked about enough, so thank you for writing this awesome article!
Thank you for stopping by and for you leaving us with your impressions Caterina! I appreciate you naming this as a "power difference" in who gets to inhabit public spaces and in what ways.
I came across this post while I've browsing the content published prior to my subscription . I instantly recalled rather heated debates taking place a couple of years earlier in my home country , surprisingly not between conservative parties and progressive ones only but among those who normally counted as more progressive liberals also . Admittedly sextual harassment doesn't only could cause an irreversible damage to victims' self esteem and self worth . moreover it spreads an environment of fear and distrust across the entire society , my personal viewpoint its prevalence in a certain society is indication and symptom existence of abusive relations , whether economically or politically , it is discharge to negative impulses received somewhere else , I totally agree that it has nothing to do with victim's dress , that is said in our conservative societies some males decode the women dress ( mostly mistakenly ) as indication to her social belief system ; e.g. she is okay with extra-marriage relationships- I suppose here the male for a reason or another is seeking a serious albeit extra marriage relationship- and start approaching her , of course the problem lies in the fine line between ( legitimate ) approaching and harassments , my third point follows logically I tend to think that a clear cut demarcation between sextual abuses and other ( natural ) acts sometimes males taken to initiates relationships in the first place , is largely missing or to be more accurate this needed demarcation is utterly subjective . and I have seem many false accusations , which also cause terrible pain
I agree with many points you made. In my first training before volunteering for a sexual violence hotline in Boston the first thing we learned is how gender-based violence is rooted in power and control and is a symptom of larger societal issues that you have brought up in your comment. I find this perspective often missing in many mainstream discourses about violence.
I would also add that the lack of healthy avenues for people, including men, to express their sexuality in healthy ways is also a contributing factor, especially within conservative societies that often shame even having sexual thoughts themselves. I find that this can have boys seek out information about sexuality through media or peers that do not promote a healthy understanding of relationships and intimacy and don't teach them how to accept no as an answer without taking it personally.
While harassment may not seem to go as far as outright violence, it is a form of emotional violence that can enable and normalize more violence if left unchecked. Having said that, and to address a point you brought up, I think there is a difference between someone expressing interest versus outright harassment. It is like the difference when someone is approaching for a kiss but other person backs off so they don't proceed and this boundary is respected versus when this happens but they still force the kiss anyway or bully the person for not being willing to reciprocate.
I sometimes find that especially within conservative societies, women are taught to say no but not how to say yes and may not have learned how to receive a man's advance other than seeing it as threatening even when he is initiating in a respectful way. This gets especially messy when you combine this with classism, xenophobia, and racism where men of certain marginalized demographics may be more likely to receive false accusations than other men. Having said that, when it comes to outright molestation and rape, I am more inclined to believe the victim because of the huge consequences coming out has for the victim in conservative society. But like with any crime (including robbery where one could argue that the so-called thief was "gifted" the item that stolen), there is due process and we have to assume innocent before proven guilty for both sides before going finding more evidence to the contrary.
Very thought provoking! While I would have to reflect on taking up space as a female as I’ve always worked in male dominated industries and never felt the stigma (that I can quickly recall- I’m sure it’s there!), where I did feel like I was taking up space was as an American living in the UK. I always felt that American mannerisms or loudness were frowned upon. That the only way was the proper English way. I was always on edge wondering WHEN I would misstep next. It certainly created general low level anxiety until the last few years I lived there when I stopped caring and actually relished more in my “cringey” (perceived by the English) behavior and the reaction of the English. 😂
Oh gosh I actually never knew the English actually perceived Americans that way! :-D Any ideas about what helped you to "stop caring?"
Susan, I'm so sorry (being English!) to hear about your experience over here! We are not all that small-minded I promise! Having spent quite a few happy holidays travelling around the US, any differences between us were a source of great interest, rather than annoyance!
And I'm glad you stopped caring in the end! 😂
I appreciated reading your thoughts and look forward, as always, to your next post!
Thank you for your support!
Sorry to hear about your experience of street harassment at such a young age Reema, sadly I agree that this is still a universal occurrence. My daughter aged 14 says she experiences unwanted attention in this way too, and I have experienced it in the past. I don't really go out alone very much these days due to my mobility issues but a few years ago I remember being in a park alone on a sunny day, lying down, relaxing, but being unable to fully relax due to the feeling of always needing to keep an eye on who was around.
Also Reema I meant to say thank you for making space in your posts to consider accessibility. It is refreshing.
I’m trying and I’m aware that there are so many layers to accessibility that I’m still learning about but I believe we all have to start somewhere. I would definitely be open to feedback on blind spots and areas I may need to consider more of
I’m sorry to hear that your daughter experiences this and that you did in the past too. What I wished for growing up is that the adults around me would have taken it more seriously so I’m glad that she has you.
Interestingly, yesterday my mom she read this post and she shared with me her reflection while we were having breakfast. She told me that perhaps in her generation they were quite numb to it because it happened so frequently and was much worse than it is now in the different countries she had lived in. She also told me about the news of a 4-year old girl who was raped in the street in Dubai before I was born which I had no idea about. While we are both glad that such incidents in the streets have significantly lessened in Dubai and it has become one of the safest cities to be out alone, she shared wishing that these things don’t happen as everyone deserves to simply have a space to be and relax wherever they are.
What your reader wrote and what you reported in your newsletter is so incredibly relatable! Whenever I found myself waiting for something or someone and purposely avoided mindlessly scrolling on my phone, I have always felt like my 'not looking busy enough' increased my likelihood to attract weirdos. It's exhausting to be wary of your surroundings and strangers all the time. And I feel like this power difference in how people can inhabit public space (relaxed/careless vs wary/anxious) is not talked about enough, so thank you for writing this awesome article!
Thank you for stopping by and for you leaving us with your impressions Caterina! I appreciate you naming this as a "power difference" in who gets to inhabit public spaces and in what ways.
I came across this post while I've browsing the content published prior to my subscription . I instantly recalled rather heated debates taking place a couple of years earlier in my home country , surprisingly not between conservative parties and progressive ones only but among those who normally counted as more progressive liberals also . Admittedly sextual harassment doesn't only could cause an irreversible damage to victims' self esteem and self worth . moreover it spreads an environment of fear and distrust across the entire society , my personal viewpoint its prevalence in a certain society is indication and symptom existence of abusive relations , whether economically or politically , it is discharge to negative impulses received somewhere else , I totally agree that it has nothing to do with victim's dress , that is said in our conservative societies some males decode the women dress ( mostly mistakenly ) as indication to her social belief system ; e.g. she is okay with extra-marriage relationships- I suppose here the male for a reason or another is seeking a serious albeit extra marriage relationship- and start approaching her , of course the problem lies in the fine line between ( legitimate ) approaching and harassments , my third point follows logically I tend to think that a clear cut demarcation between sextual abuses and other ( natural ) acts sometimes males taken to initiates relationships in the first place , is largely missing or to be more accurate this needed demarcation is utterly subjective . and I have seem many false accusations , which also cause terrible pain
I agree with many points you made. In my first training before volunteering for a sexual violence hotline in Boston the first thing we learned is how gender-based violence is rooted in power and control and is a symptom of larger societal issues that you have brought up in your comment. I find this perspective often missing in many mainstream discourses about violence.
I would also add that the lack of healthy avenues for people, including men, to express their sexuality in healthy ways is also a contributing factor, especially within conservative societies that often shame even having sexual thoughts themselves. I find that this can have boys seek out information about sexuality through media or peers that do not promote a healthy understanding of relationships and intimacy and don't teach them how to accept no as an answer without taking it personally.
While harassment may not seem to go as far as outright violence, it is a form of emotional violence that can enable and normalize more violence if left unchecked. Having said that, and to address a point you brought up, I think there is a difference between someone expressing interest versus outright harassment. It is like the difference when someone is approaching for a kiss but other person backs off so they don't proceed and this boundary is respected versus when this happens but they still force the kiss anyway or bully the person for not being willing to reciprocate.
I sometimes find that especially within conservative societies, women are taught to say no but not how to say yes and may not have learned how to receive a man's advance other than seeing it as threatening even when he is initiating in a respectful way. This gets especially messy when you combine this with classism, xenophobia, and racism where men of certain marginalized demographics may be more likely to receive false accusations than other men. Having said that, when it comes to outright molestation and rape, I am more inclined to believe the victim because of the huge consequences coming out has for the victim in conservative society. But like with any crime (including robbery where one could argue that the so-called thief was "gifted" the item that stolen), there is due process and we have to assume innocent before proven guilty for both sides before going finding more evidence to the contrary.