Why Am I Making a Big Deal Out of Belonging?

Opening our Co-Lab

“Belonging is a state of wholeness: the experience of being at home in the social, environmental, organizational, and cultural contexts of one's life. Belonging is a beloved community, rootedness in a place, a feeling of ownership in shared outcomes, and a sense of shared mission”.

Kim Samuel, human rights activist and author of On Belonging: Finding Connection in an Age of Isolation

Dear City Person,

I’m truly blessed that you have joined me in this first post which marks the launch of Belonging Co-Lab!

I would love to read on what had you sign up for Belonging Co-Lab Newsletter. I would also welcome your thoughts on the following:

• How do you define belonging?

• How does belonging, or lack of it, look like where you live?

• What do you think impacts people’s belonging where you live?

You may share your response in Substack comments or by replying to my email for a chance to have your response potentially featured in a future newsletter if you wish.

First, some house keeping before I dive in…

If you have not already, please see the About page linked here for more information about me and the newsletter.

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I hope you enjoy this first post and look forward to seeing you more often!

Content warning for this post: grief and terminal illness.

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My mentor had battled cancer before passing away in 2022. I was amazed by how many people initiated supporting him and his family during this difficult time. These people were positively influenced by him in one way or the other. He told me how this experience showed him that having a meaningful life comes from having meaningful relationships.

Insights I have run into from the psychology and mental health fields support what my mentor said. Read on to see the few that stood out to me. I would be curious to learn of any insights you have encountered yourself, whether from an academic source, media, or your own personal experience. You are welcome to share by replying to this email or in your comments.

The Harvard Study of Adult Development by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Dr. Robert Waldinger, has been ongoing since 1938 and studied the things that affected the wellbeing of 724 families across two generations. Dr. Waldinger’s research demonstrated how among all other physical and lifestyle factors considered:

“…the breadth and depth of our relationships are keys to wellbeing—not just happiness, but physical health.” —Dr. Robert Waldinger

In 2010, psychologist Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad, compared the results of 148 studies on the links between social relationships and mortality (altogether these studies included a total of 308,849 participants). She concluded that:

“lacking social connection is comparable to smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day.” —Dr. Julianne Holt-Lunstad

In the 2023 Building Connected Communities conference I attended virtually, I was reminded how living near people who care for you can be lifesaving. For instance, one of the speakers mentioned that Chicago once had a heat wave. The neighborhoods that were most impacted had many people who died alone. This could have been prevented by people knocking on each other’s doors.

Anyone who has taken Psychology 101 in high school or university has likely learned about Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. This model shows, in a pyramid form, what humans need to develop and flourish psychologically with the more basic needs being lower in the pyramid. Here is the pyramid below where you can see that belonging is included as one of the needs:

Image source: Wikipedia

Not many are aware, however, that Maslow’s ideas originally came from The Blackfoot Nation but there are also key differences between these models. This article linked here by Teju Ravilochan details the history of Maslow’s influence by them and the differences between their ideas.

Four points that most caught my attention from Teju’s article and my reflections on them:

1. That the fulfillment of the basic needs is the responsibility of the community and not that of the individual because the community gets impacted.

   1. This starkly contrasts with mainstream Western wellness being so focused on self care as a magic wand to mental distress instead of it being one tool among many we can use. How much less isolating would mental distress be if we had more community care?

   2. This also reminds me about the idea that fulfilling a basic need such as belonging is vital not only for individuals but also for communities. This is illustrated in an NBC News article linked here which shows that neighborhoods tend to be safer the more neighbors interact with each other and care for one another. In other words, the more people belong, the safer we all are.

2. Unlike Maslow’s model, psychologist and Seneca First Nation member, Terry Cross, sees the basic needs as interrelated rather than hierarchal.

   1. For example, one may temporarily set aside physical safety needs to save someone else’s life or to pursue a spiritual goal.

   2. I am wondering if the fact that social connection can impact physical health and mortality shows that belonging needs can’t be separated from physical needs.

3. That the fulfillment, or lack thereof, of individual and communal needs is impacted by the past generations and has an influence on the next ones.

   1. This has me think about intergenerational trauma (I recommend clicking on the link to be directed to an article for more information on it). If trauma can be passed down, then so can joys, strength, values, and belonging.

   2. I understand all this to mean that part of our life purpose is to become a good ancestor. This contrasts with Maslow’s model which focuses on one individual lifetime only.

      1. I find myself feeling much less isolated when I see that I am being carried by the positive contributions of past ancestors and that I am one among many future ancestors to be. It also feels powerful when I think about my present opportunity to question and re-shape any harmful beliefs my ancestors passed down to me. Even if I am not remembered by name long after I die, how I treat others today will impact them and can influence how they treat other people including the next generation.

4. Maslow appeared to define belonging as connection with people only. But the indigenous communities mentioned in this article prioritized not only connection with people but also with place and nature.

   1. One thing I learned from reading Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer is that when we don’t give to nature as much as we take from it and when we don’t see what nature gives us as gifts to be grateful for, then we end up building cultures and economies that exploit it and grow at the expense of other living beings, including fellow humans.

   2. The social sciences have coined the term “place attachment” (also known as “sense of place”) which can include both built environments and nature.

      1. You can read more about it here in this article which mentions that place attachment is not always separable from social connection.

      2. Many of the studies I run into also show how access to common areas like playgrounds, sport fields, and community gardens can make it easier for people to socially connect with each other.

      3. Place attachment also impacts people’s ability to care for their communities and environment. How can you care for something you don’t feel any connection to?

         1. At the same time, authoritarianism, systemic discrimination, and community violence can make it difficult to connect with a place let alone with its people. How can you act on your care if your voice is constantly silenced and you don’t feel safe in your own community? Not saying it is impossible, but I imagine that there are challenges in the process of getting there that more privileged people don’t have to face.

            1. This is why The Othering and Belonging Institute emphasizes the importance of addressing structural marginalization and inequality in order to create belonging for all.

A model of Terry Cross’s ideas about human needs from an indigenous North American worldview. Image Source: The Blackfoot Wisdom that Inspired Maslow’s Hierarchy by Teju Ravilochan

Based on these and more insights, I’m making a big deal out of belonging because it is important in so many levels, individually at a psychological and physical level as well as for our communities’ and planet’s wellbeing.

This is an urgent matter because a quarter of the world’s adults (as in 1 in 4 adults) is feeling lonely. There is also a rise in people living alone globally as shown in this article linked here¹ I have noticed how many cities are built or developed with consumerism in mind rather than with relationships in mind. Combining all this with already present inequality and rise in cost of living in global cities make for a deadly mix. I hope to reflect on these more in future Belonging Co-Lab posts.

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Would love to read your thoughts on what I shared via your replies to this email or comments on Substack!

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In next week’s newsletter, I will be reflecting on my experiment with people watching as a way to build connection with place. I invite you to also experiment with people watching and notice if and how it impacts your sense of belonging. Feel free to send me your insights by replying to my next email or commenting on my next Substack post. If you like, I may potentially feature your insights in a future post!

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Hayyakum,

Reema

1. Contrary to popular belief, most of the research I run into showed how some can feel lonely even while living with people and some can feel content living away from them. So social isolation and loneliness are not always the same thing. Loneliness reflects how we are feeling about the quality of our relationships and to what extent do we feel we belong in them. But just because it is subjective, does not mean that it does not have real effects as mentioned earlier.